The Glove of Darth Vader
With the multitude of books, games,
cartoons, comics and more that came out of the original Star Wars Expanded Universe, there’s no denying that quite a bit of
it will turn out to be garbage. There’s the classic awful stuff, like the Masters of Teras Kasi game, The Crystal Star book, and of course the
infamous Star Wars Holiday Special.
But what we’re talking about today is a lesser known example of a lousy Star Wars novel, one that was actually
my first introduction to stories taking place after Return of the Jedi. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Glove of Darth Vader.
Released in 1992, The Glove of Darth Vader was the first book in what later came to
be known as the “Jedi Prince” series. Written by married duo Paul and Hollace
Davis, the series was targeted for younger audiences that wanted more Star Wars and weren’t quite ready to
tackle the Thrawn Trilogy novels. Jedi Prince grew to become a six book series,
and has become notorious in Star Wars fandom
for being lazily written books boasting some really lackluster stories.
I honestly haven’t had more than a
passing thought about this book since I finished the series way back in the
early 2000’s. All I remember was that I found them to be…passable. They didn’t
make me interested in seeing what else the Expanded Universe had to offer, nor
did they turn me off from reading more books. They were a thing that I read,
and that was the end of that.
The back cover reads as follows: “THE DEATH STAR HAS BEEN DESTROYED. THE
EMPIRE IS IN RUINS. BUT THE DARK SIDE LIVES ON.” Not a bad way to get
people hooked. The front cover is significantly less impressive. It features
Luke in his Empire Strikes Back outfit
in the same frame as Leia in her Battle of Endor camouflage, so that’s
interesting. There’s also what appears to be a three-eyed man, a group of
floating whales, and Darth Vader’s giant fist hovering in the background. Trust
me, this cover is pretty indicative of what we’ll find inside.
The book opens with R2-D2 and C-3PO
being sent to the planet Kessel to spy on what the Empire is planning next.
Apparently Palpatine’s successor as leader will be unveiled at a conference
there, and Mon Mothma has discovered a prophecy that states the next leader of
the Empire will wear Darth Vader’s indestructible right-hand glove. Why is
Darth Vader’s right-hand glove suddenly special? Who knows, because this book
sure doesn’t explain it!
Meanwhile, Han is bailing on Leia so
he can go build himself a sky house on Bespin. I couldn’t make this up if I
tried.
On Kessel, the big Imperial meeting is
taking place in a gladiatorial colosseum, and the successor to the throne is
announced as none other than…Palpatine’s son!? Yes, apparently Palpatine went
and had a kid at some point. Even stranger, the guy’s not even human. Trioculus
is his name, and he’s a “triclops”, which I guess is a cyclops but with three
eyes instead of just one. Trioculus announces that in order to rule, he needs
Vader’s magic glove, and the chase is on.
But before that, we need to pay
Admiral Ackbar a visit on his home planet of Calamari. No, not Mon Calamari. In
this book they just call it Calamari for whatever reason. Ackbar tells Luke and
the droids about the local species of whaladons (I’ll give you one guess as to
what animal they’re supposed to be) that the Empire is harvesting for meat and
blubber.
You heard that right. This entire book, supposedly the first
story to take place right after Return of
the Jedi, is an allegory for whaling.
Also the Glove of Darth Vader is
somewhere on Calamari. According to Trioculus, the glove was warped through
space and time after the second Death Star exploded and somehow wound up there.
I could question the logic behind that but I know it’s a waste of time, so I
won’t bother.
Anyways, Trioculus nabs the glove for
himself, but finds it doesn’t work for him the same way it worked for Vader.
The book ends with Luke storming the Imperial submarine, freeing the captured whales
whaladons and having Trioculus shaking his fist in anger like a 1920’s cartoon
bad guy, swearing vengeance on Luke.
So, yeah. This isn’t very good. I
could go on about how awfully written the entire thing is (literally all of
R2’s beeps and boops are written out like actual words) but then we’ll be here
all day.
The craziest part is that the Jedi
Prince series only gets stupider from here on in. As the series goes on Luke
and friends encounter a 12-year old Star
Wars toy collector, a holographic theme park, a lost Jedi city that was
beneath Yavin IV this whole time, a second
triclops, and enough environmental allegories to make FernGully blush.
If you’re a fan of stupid Star Wars content, by all means check
out the Jedi Prince series. The books are relatively short, and I’d wager you
could get through the whole thing in an afternoon if you skim through them.
While they aren’t as insultingly bad to the series proper as something like Crystal Star is, they certainly are good
for a laugh.
No comments:
Post a Comment