Christmas in the Stars
T’was a few weeks before Christmas
And Star Wars fans were
full of cheer
For it wouldn’t be too
long
Before The Last Jedi would
be here.
But I still wanted to
write something festive
And so I searched near and
far
Eventually finding an
intergalactic holiday album
With a surprise guest
star.
Yes, it’s time to talk about what I’m absolutely certain is the only
Christmas-related thing Star Wars has
ever created: Christmas in the Stars!
Released
in November 1980, Christmas in the Stars is
a novelty album featuring spins on classic holiday jingles as well as several
new songs sung by C-3PO and other characters. Written by Meco Monardo, a big Star Wars fan who can be credited with
creating the infamous Star Wars Disco Remix, the album is set in a holiday gift-making workshop, where C-3PO, R2-D2
and Chewie have all been enlisted in helping the toymaker droids in completing
their work before Christmas Eve is over. The original songs have eye catching
titles such as “The Odds Against Christmas”, “R2-D2 We Wish You Merry
Christmas”, and my personal favourite “What Can You Get A Wookiee For Christmas
(When He Already Owns A Comb)”.
I
should add that yes, this is real, and yes, it is officially licensed by
Lucasfilm. I’m so glad this is the only Christmas-related thing Star Wars ever made.
Perhaps
the most unusual thing about this album is the surprise unintentional guest
star hidden in one of the songs. Christmas
with the Stars is, oddly enough, the recording album debut of one Mr. Jon
Bon Jovi. Yes, before “You Give Love a Bad Name”, “Livin’ on a Prayer”, and
“It’s My Life”, Bon Jovi contributed lead vocals to the previously mentioned
song “R2-D2 We Wish You Merry Christmas”. It’s such an obscure fact that I
couldn’t find the album listed anywhere on his Wikipedia discography page, but
listening to the song, it’s unmistakeably him.
Speaking
of that, why don’t we listen to this thing? Seriously, this album is one of
those things that every Star Wars fan
needs to experience, so here’s a link to the full album. Sit back, grab
yourself some eggnog and let’s enjoy the insanity that is Christmas in the Stars!
The
album is comprised of 9 songs total, and it’s kicked off with one of the only
actually good songs on the whole thing: the titular “Christmas in the Stars”.
C-3PO and the toymaker droids sing about how prepared they are for Christmas.
The chorus is actually surprisingly catchy, and the melody is pretty nice.
And
it all goes downhill from there in all the best ways.
R2
asks 3PO what bells are, kicking off the next song, aptly titled “Bells, Bells,
Bells”. And these opening lyrics courtesy of 3PO really need to be appreciated
in full.
“I
cannot believe the question. It’s like…‘what is indigestion?’ Not that bells
and indigestion are the same. I cannot believe the query, to ask what is
Einstein’s theory compared to what are bells seems almost tame.” *R2 beeps*
“What is indigestion? Who is Einstein? R2, really. Before you ask me who is
H.G. Wells, I will help your education with a simple explanation of bells.”
Yep, and
the rest of the song follows suit. And I must reiterate, this is a real album
that was officially licensed by Lucasfilm. I’m sure glad there’s no other bad Star Wars Christmas stuff people will
want me to talk about, especially since next article is scheduled for Last Jedi week.
I
guess this means that “A long time ago” wasn’t actually that long ago
considering that these droids know who Einstein was, but I digress. The song
continues as 3PO sings about bells, what they do and all the different kinds of
them. The opening verse is just the tip of the iceberg with how amazingly
terrible the lyrics are in this song. My personal favourite is “Chiming what
the hour is now…or they’ll lead you to a cow.”
Also
according to this song R2 apparently knows what Japan is, so make of that what
you will.
Next
up is “The Odds Against Christmas”. 3PO and the droids muse about how any
important event could’ve happened on Christmas Day and we would never know,
including the Magna Carta being sealed or America being discovered. I have no
idea why these droids that lived a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away know
so much about Earth history, but again, I digress. There’s not too much to say
about this one. It’s just a simple tune about how Christmas existing goes
against the odds…or something.
Following
that is the song with the best name ever, “What Can You Get A Wookiee For
Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb)”. The toymaking droids are preparing
presents for the main cast, including a scarf for Skywalker, perfume for the
princess, and earmuffs for Han Solo. But when it comes to Chewie, they can’t
think of getting him anything but a comb. Most of this song is just the really
annoying synthesized droid voices repeating the title over and over again, as
well as a bunch of failed present ideas, including galoshes and a tie clip.
Eventually they decide to give him…love and understanding. Poor Chewie. First
no medal and now this? Hopefully Han will pick him up something nice instead.
At
this point most sigh in relief at reaching the halfway point, as we start up
“R2-D2 We Wish You Merry Christmas”. As mentioned earlier this is the surprise
Bon Jovi song lurking in the album, and thanks to him it’s one of the few songs
here that you could actually listen to both unironically and out of context.
R2
plugs himself into the central computer to receive his Christmas present. It
turns out his present is young Bon Jovi and a children’s choir saying Merry
Christmas to him. Well, the kids say Merry Christmas. Bon Jovi mostly talks
about how he wants to hang out with R2 and warm him up by the fire if he gets
too cold. That sounds…normal.
Next
up is a nice change of pace; an actual Christmas song. R2 decides he wants 3PO
to teach him how to sing. 3PO unsurprisingly refuses, considering that R2
is…let’s be nice and say he’s verbally challenged. Despite being called “Sleigh
Ride”, this song is just the tune from the well-known Christmas song while the
lyrics have been changed to be about 3PO actually trying to teach R2 how to
sing. But at the end of the day, we can all agree that R2 whistling Sleigh Ride
and Jingle Bells is completely adorable.
We
then get what I’m sure you were all asking for at this point in the album: more
of the toymaking droids singing! Hooray!
Oh
god.
“Merry
Merry Christmas” is just terrible, and not so bad it’s great like most of the
other songs on the album. Heavily synthesized droid voices singing and arguing
over a constant stream of jingle bells (the instrument, not the song) as
backing music is just painful to listen to. They mostly just sing about the
weird toys they’re making, like a hammer that doesn’t have a head so you won’t
smash your hands with it (or anything else, when you think about it), or a
costume that makes you magically disappear. They’re lucky Harry Potter didn’t
exist when this album came out, or he’d be asking for royalties.
The
penultimate song is “A Christmas Sighting”. The toymaking droids are preparing
to pack up for the night, as “S. Claus” is on his way and he doesn’t want
anyone there when he arrives. Guess he’s socially awkward. Hey, I relate, pal.
The
droids begin to doubt he even exists, but 3PO insists he’s seen him before. What
follows is a fun retelling of the classic “Twas the Night Before Christmas”
story as told by C-3PO. 3PO returns to the shop to find a wrench, but is
startled by a loud clatter. He hides, and “S. Claus” arrives. They don’t call
him Santa for some reason. Rights issues? I mean, you’d think Santa would be
public domain, but I guess things might’ve been different in 1980.
And because I’m sure at this point you just
don’t want this album to end, the last song goes on for 8 whole minutes! And
perhaps best of all, this last double-length song is easily the worst thing on
the entire album. “The Meaning of Christmas” sees S. Claus finally show up. He
clears up that he isn’t Santa, but
rather his son who gets sent to deliver presents to children in the Star Wars galaxy. I can only imagine
making that commute every year.
Unfortunately
for us, S. Claus can’t sing to save his life, and we’re stuck listening to him
for the next 8 minutes. I never thought I’d ask for this, but can we have the
toymaking droids back? Or Bon Jovi? Why’d you only use him for one song?
S.
Claus sings a super sappy song about the true meaning of Christmas, and how
it’s about giving and love and caring and all that good stuff. I guess it’s
better than a Star Wars album telling
kids that the true meaning of Christmas is the Lego First Order AT-AT Walker
available in stores now, but seriously, S. CLAUS CANNOT SING.
And
that’s Christmas in the Stars! Is it
good? God no. The lyrics sound like they were thrown together with a little
help from RhymeZone, half the songs don’t have a melody of any description, and
the last song goes on for ages with a guy who couldn’t sing if the fate of the
galaxy depended on it. But I can’t stress how fun it is to listen to,
especially for a Star Wars fan who
enjoys the holiday season. It’s just cheesy enough without overstepping its
boundaries (well, usually) that you can’t help but love it, even with the
consistently awful lyrics and occasionally bad songs. If you haven’t given it a
listen yet, I urge you to do so. It’ll put you right in the holliest and
jolliest of moods.
Man,
I actually kind of wish there was another Star
Wars Christmas thing to talk about, like an old TV broadcast or something.
Oh well. I guess next time I’ll just hype up Last Jedi or show some old trailer stills of scenes I can’t wait to
see instead.
I finished the album, and
prepared to take my leave
But then appeared a TV
event that made even Lucas grieve
Twas a challenge that proved to be quite stressful
Tune in December 13 for
the Star Wars Holiday Special.
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