Star Wars Wednesday: Christmas in the Stars

Christmas in the Stars

          T’was a few weeks before Christmas

          And Star Wars fans were full of cheer

          For it wouldn’t be too long

          Before The Last Jedi would be here.

          But I still wanted to write something festive

          And so I searched near and far

          Eventually finding an intergalactic holiday album

          With a surprise guest star.

          Yes, it’s time to talk about what I’m absolutely certain is the only Christmas-related thing Star Wars has ever created: Christmas in the Stars!

          Released in November 1980, Christmas in the Stars is a novelty album featuring spins on classic holiday jingles as well as several new songs sung by C-3PO and other characters. Written by Meco Monardo, a big Star Wars fan who can be credited with creating the infamous Star Wars Disco Remix, the album is set in a holiday gift-making workshop, where C-3PO, R2-D2 and Chewie have all been enlisted in helping the toymaker droids in completing their work before Christmas Eve is over. The original songs have eye catching titles such as “The Odds Against Christmas”, “R2-D2 We Wish You Merry Christmas”, and my personal favourite “What Can You Get A Wookiee For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb)”.

          I should add that yes, this is real, and yes, it is officially licensed by Lucasfilm. I’m so glad this is the only Christmas-related thing Star Wars ever made.

          Perhaps the most unusual thing about this album is the surprise unintentional guest star hidden in one of the songs. Christmas with the Stars is, oddly enough, the recording album debut of one Mr. Jon Bon Jovi. Yes, before “You Give Love a Bad Name”, “Livin’ on a Prayer”, and “It’s My Life”, Bon Jovi contributed lead vocals to the previously mentioned song “R2-D2 We Wish You Merry Christmas”. It’s such an obscure fact that I couldn’t find the album listed anywhere on his Wikipedia discography page, but listening to the song, it’s unmistakeably him.

          Speaking of that, why don’t we listen to this thing? Seriously, this album is one of those things that every Star Wars fan needs to experience, so here’s a link to the full album. Sit back, grab yourself some eggnog and let’s enjoy the insanity that is Christmas in the Stars!

          The album is comprised of 9 songs total, and it’s kicked off with one of the only actually good songs on the whole thing: the titular “Christmas in the Stars”. C-3PO and the toymaker droids sing about how prepared they are for Christmas. The chorus is actually surprisingly catchy, and the melody is pretty nice.

          And it all goes downhill from there in all the best ways.

          R2 asks 3PO what bells are, kicking off the next song, aptly titled “Bells, Bells, Bells”. And these opening lyrics courtesy of 3PO really need to be appreciated in full.

          “I cannot believe the question. It’s like…‘what is indigestion?’ Not that bells and indigestion are the same. I cannot believe the query, to ask what is Einstein’s theory compared to what are bells seems almost tame.” *R2 beeps* “What is indigestion? Who is Einstein? R2, really. Before you ask me who is H.G. Wells, I will help your education with a simple explanation of bells.”

          Yep, and the rest of the song follows suit. And I must reiterate, this is a real album that was officially licensed by Lucasfilm. I’m sure glad there’s no other bad Star Wars Christmas stuff people will want me to talk about, especially since next article is scheduled for Last Jedi week.

          I guess this means that “A long time ago” wasn’t actually that long ago considering that these droids know who Einstein was, but I digress. The song continues as 3PO sings about bells, what they do and all the different kinds of them. The opening verse is just the tip of the iceberg with how amazingly terrible the lyrics are in this song. My personal favourite is “Chiming what the hour is now…or they’ll lead you to a cow.”

          Also according to this song R2 apparently knows what Japan is, so make of that what you will.

          Next up is “The Odds Against Christmas”. 3PO and the droids muse about how any important event could’ve happened on Christmas Day and we would never know, including the Magna Carta being sealed or America being discovered. I have no idea why these droids that lived a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away know so much about Earth history, but again, I digress. There’s not too much to say about this one. It’s just a simple tune about how Christmas existing goes against the odds…or something.

          Following that is the song with the best name ever, “What Can You Get A Wookiee For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb)”. The toymaking droids are preparing presents for the main cast, including a scarf for Skywalker, perfume for the princess, and earmuffs for Han Solo. But when it comes to Chewie, they can’t think of getting him anything but a comb. Most of this song is just the really annoying synthesized droid voices repeating the title over and over again, as well as a bunch of failed present ideas, including galoshes and a tie clip. Eventually they decide to give him…love and understanding. Poor Chewie. First no medal and now this? Hopefully Han will pick him up something nice instead.

          At this point most sigh in relief at reaching the halfway point, as we start up “R2-D2 We Wish You Merry Christmas”. As mentioned earlier this is the surprise Bon Jovi song lurking in the album, and thanks to him it’s one of the few songs here that you could actually listen to both unironically and out of context.

          R2 plugs himself into the central computer to receive his Christmas present. It turns out his present is young Bon Jovi and a children’s choir saying Merry Christmas to him. Well, the kids say Merry Christmas. Bon Jovi mostly talks about how he wants to hang out with R2 and warm him up by the fire if he gets too cold. That sounds…normal.

          Next up is a nice change of pace; an actual Christmas song. R2 decides he wants 3PO to teach him how to sing. 3PO unsurprisingly refuses, considering that R2 is…let’s be nice and say he’s verbally challenged. Despite being called “Sleigh Ride”, this song is just the tune from the well-known Christmas song while the lyrics have been changed to be about 3PO actually trying to teach R2 how to sing. But at the end of the day, we can all agree that R2 whistling Sleigh Ride and Jingle Bells is completely adorable.

          We then get what I’m sure you were all asking for at this point in the album: more of the toymaking droids singing! Hooray!

          Oh god.

          “Merry Merry Christmas” is just terrible, and not so bad it’s great like most of the other songs on the album. Heavily synthesized droid voices singing and arguing over a constant stream of jingle bells (the instrument, not the song) as backing music is just painful to listen to. They mostly just sing about the weird toys they’re making, like a hammer that doesn’t have a head so you won’t smash your hands with it (or anything else, when you think about it), or a costume that makes you magically disappear. They’re lucky Harry Potter didn’t exist when this album came out, or he’d be asking for royalties.

          The penultimate song is “A Christmas Sighting”. The toymaking droids are preparing to pack up for the night, as “S. Claus” is on his way and he doesn’t want anyone there when he arrives. Guess he’s socially awkward. Hey, I relate, pal.

          The droids begin to doubt he even exists, but 3PO insists he’s seen him before. What follows is a fun retelling of the classic “Twas the Night Before Christmas” story as told by C-3PO. 3PO returns to the shop to find a wrench, but is startled by a loud clatter. He hides, and “S. Claus” arrives. They don’t call him Santa for some reason. Rights issues? I mean, you’d think Santa would be public domain, but I guess things might’ve been different in 1980.

           And because I’m sure at this point you just don’t want this album to end, the last song goes on for 8 whole minutes! And perhaps best of all, this last double-length song is easily the worst thing on the entire album. “The Meaning of Christmas” sees S. Claus finally show up. He clears up that he isn’t Santa, but rather his son who gets sent to deliver presents to children in the Star Wars galaxy. I can only imagine making that commute every year.

          Unfortunately for us, S. Claus can’t sing to save his life, and we’re stuck listening to him for the next 8 minutes. I never thought I’d ask for this, but can we have the toymaking droids back? Or Bon Jovi? Why’d you only use him for one song?

          S. Claus sings a super sappy song about the true meaning of Christmas, and how it’s about giving and love and caring and all that good stuff. I guess it’s better than a Star Wars album telling kids that the true meaning of Christmas is the Lego First Order AT-AT Walker available in stores now, but seriously, S. CLAUS CANNOT SING.

          And that’s Christmas in the Stars! Is it good? God no. The lyrics sound like they were thrown together with a little help from RhymeZone, half the songs don’t have a melody of any description, and the last song goes on for ages with a guy who couldn’t sing if the fate of the galaxy depended on it. But I can’t stress how fun it is to listen to, especially for a Star Wars fan who enjoys the holiday season. It’s just cheesy enough without overstepping its boundaries (well, usually) that you can’t help but love it, even with the consistently awful lyrics and occasionally bad songs. If you haven’t given it a listen yet, I urge you to do so. It’ll put you right in the holliest and jolliest of moods.

          Man, I actually kind of wish there was another Star Wars Christmas thing to talk about, like an old TV broadcast or something. Oh well. I guess next time I’ll just hype up Last Jedi or show some old trailer stills of scenes I can’t wait to see instead.

          I finished the album, and prepared to take my leave

          But then appeared a TV event that made even Lucas grieve

Twas a challenge that proved to be quite stressful

          Tune in December 13 for the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Editorial: Nintendo splats the competition

Nintendo splats the competition

          The Battlefront II saga continued this week, as the Belgium investigation returned some results: loot boxes have been officially credited as gambling devices, and they’re looking to get them banned in the EU! Now, there was some issues with mistranslations here so that might not be 100% accurate, but the testament to what they’re trying to accomplish stands. Similarly, Australia is beginning to take investigation into loot boxes, and over in Hawaii government officials called out the game, telling parents to avoid buying the game for kids at Christmas because, and I quote, “It’s a trap!”

          Nice.

          But I went over all that last week. Today what I really want to talk about it Nintendo and how Splatoon 2 has somehow wound up as the shining example of what all multiplayer shooters should aspire to be.

          Amidst the Battlefront fervor, Nintendo unveiled several new features to be added to Splatoon 2 in the next few months, including brand new maps as well as returning favourites from the previous game, new weapons, an all-new game mode, as well as oodles of outfits you can use to play dress-up with your squid kid.

          Splatoon 2 has always been a great game, but now seeing it in direct competition to Battlefront II and some of the other recent games in the same genre it seems like one of the best of the year in comparison. What better way to take a shot at a game currently under investigation for predatory gambling inclusions than to advertise a bunch of new content in the game you can unlock with in-game cash acquired by playing the game itself?

          It’s kinda sad how we’ve reached this point, actually. We’re celebrating a game that came out in July purely because we can get the new stuff the developer added without having to face down paywalls and loot boxes and season passes and all that other guff that most triple-A folks love to cram into their games these days. If I want to buy a new hat for my Inkling, I can go to the in-game store, use the near endless and generous supply of coins the game gives me, and buy it. No reaching into my real-life wallet, just good old-fashioned video games.

          People love to joke about how behind the times Nintendo is, and yes, they’re not wrong. Nintendo’s policy with YouTube and their voice chat services are both extremely archaic. But with the Year of the Loot Box, I’ve realized how happy I am that Nintendo isn’t conforming to what the rest of the industry is doing. Imagine a Super Mario Odyssey where the purple coins were a bullcrap second currency you needed to pay real money to get more of, or a Breath of the Wild where you could reach into your wallet and get some easy weapons, or a Splatoon 2 where the cool gear was only available in loot boxes.

          Yes, having the gear in loot boxes would have extreme monetary value for Nintendo, especially with the bonuses tied to them leading people to buy tons trying to get the buffs they want. But instead they went the high road and allowed you to buy items the same way you always bought items in games in the ye olden times before online connectivity felt like a must-have for every game on the market.

          Maybe I’m just a 21-year old grandpa who needs to get with the times, but with all the chaos going on surrounding Battlefront II and loot boxes and all that garbage which will hopefully lead to them finally being excised from gaming as a whole, it’s nice to kick back with a game in the same genre that isn’t afraid to play it old-school, leaving me reaching for the controller to play more instead of reaching for my wallet to pay more.

Song of the Week

Riptide Rupture – Splatoon 2

Girls’ Last Tour Episode 8 Review

Power of the Moon

(This review contains spoilers!)

          Another great episode of Girls’ Last Tour this week, albeit another one that leaves me without much to talk about.

          We’re back to splitting episodes into three separate segments, each focusing on a different subject. This week each segment also had a very distinct emotion and feel tied to them.

          The first segment sees Chi and Yuu coming across a large field full of what look like filing cabinets. Chi eventually concludes they must be graves, and the girls spend some time mourning the lost world. It’s pretty dark, even for this show, but it’s a nice contrast to what comes later.

          The second segment, “Spiral”, focuses on Chi’s fear of heights. While moving up to the next level of the city, the tower they must climb begins falling apart, leading to a fun and exciting scene of them speeding through some crumbling platforms. For such a relaxed show it’s cool to see something different once in a while, and this segment was no different.

          And finally, the last segment “Moonlight” was yet another lighthearted adventure to cap off the episode. Upon reaching the next level of the city, the girls stumble upon some beer. Not knowing what it is, they drink a ton of it, and then the obvious happens. Thankfully they doesn’t go overboard at all, leaving us with a very cute and silly ending.

          I think I’m starting to run out of things to say for this show, so I’m just gonna put this review series on hiatus for now. There’s only so many times you can say “this is cute” or “this is fun” before you get bored. I’ll give a final thoughts on the series when it ends (unless some big major event in the show brings me back), but you can bet I’ll still be watching along every week.

FINAL SCORE

8/10

Great

Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp Review

Tom Nook’s reign of terror continues

(This review contains minor spoilers!)

          It’s no secret that I adore Animal Crossing. I’ve played nearly every single game in the franchise released stateside (including the god awful amiibo Festival). Despite this, when it was announced the series was going to try its hand at playing the mobile market, I was skeptical. Mobile games have gotten a pretty fair rep recently as being little more than cash grabs that prioritize waiting over playing. I was sincerely hoping that Animal Crossing Pocket Camp would take the high road.

          While it’s far from perfect, I think that Pocket Camp is an entertaining time-waster that can be played for free to its full enjoyment.

          The game is essentially a simplified variation on the real Animal Crossing experience. You are put in charge of a small campsite, which you are free to customize and furnish however you’d like. Your character also has plenty of clothing customizations available for purchase, as well as a trailer you can decorate the exterior and interior.

          Unlike the core series, Pocket Camp has a main goal you can aim for: in surrounding areas you can meet animal villagers. Similar to Viva Piñata each villager has a set of needs you have to meet in order to move them into your campsite. You have to complete missions for them first off, finding fish, fruit, bugs and various other things they want to raise their friendship level. Once you’ve done that, you must prepare your camp with their favourite furniture, which you can order from an easy-to-use catalogue.

          One thing Pocket Camp has loads of is pure charm. Just as with the other games in the series, the world of the game is delightfully sweet and adorable, filled with colourful visuals and a friendly, upbeat soundtrack backing it up. I do wish the villager characters had been given more dialogue, because in my playtime all I could ever get them to say were thinly veiled tutorials and instructions on how to do simple tasks you learn about in the first 10 minutes of playtime.

          The graphics are some of the best I’ve seen on mobile in a long time. Despite being developed in the Unity engine, the game looks nearly identical to New Leaf on the 3DS, retaining the distinct look and feel of the franchise without compromising too much. It looks just plain great.

          As to be expected from a mobile game, this isn’t exactly a game you’re meant to play for hours at a time. Pocket Camp is a game that you check in once every few hours, fool around for a bit, and then set up some stuff to check on later on. It’s not the most exciting thing in the world, but there’s something captivating about it. Just like in the real Animal Crossing games it’s fun to just go catch a fish because a penguin asked you to, or work at getting a new piece of furniture. The game world rotates every two hours, bringing new villagers and new missions for you to go on.

          The biggest issue I have with the game is the main goal. As I said earlier, you need to gather furniture to invite new villagers to stay in your campsite. The only problem is that very quickly it becomes a complete grind-fest trying to gather extreme amounts of crafting materials for each furniture piece. Most villagers need 5 new pieces of furniture each to move in, and the more expensive materials require constant running around and completing dozens of missions for villagers over the course of the 2 hour timeframes. You’ll catch the same types of fish over and over and over again in hopes that one of the villagers will give you a small amount of wood to get you further to the goal. Then, once you finally get enough to make the table this cat needs to move in, you start all over again because you need even more wood to make the next thing he needs.

          Pocket Camp packs oodles of charm and a lot of good vibes into this mobile package, and I’d recommend all Animal Crossing fans give it a look. It’s way better than amiibo Festival was. Unfortunately the grinding required to find crafting materials does become a bit overbearing really fast, as entire days can go by without any progress being made. For a free game, I’d say it’s worth your time. Just don’t expect to spend too much of it.

FINAL SCORE

6/10

Okay

Chill Chat: Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers Halfway Point Predictions

Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers Halfway Point Predictions

(This article contains spoilers!)

          Even though I’m a huge fan of Survivor, I haven’t really touched on it in this blog until now. It’s kind of impossible to review a show where the producers only have control of how it’s presented instead of the content itself. But now that I’ve created Chill Chat to open up opportunities to talk about whatever I want, it’s time to give my thoughts on the latest season!

          So we’ve reached the halfway point of Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers. 9 people remain, and 9 have been voted out. Overall I’ve found this season to be…good. Not great like Millennials vs Gen X was, but not bad like Game Changers was. While that could change over the next few weeks, I’m satisfied with how this season’s played out thus far. My one big gripe is that we’ve hit a bit of a slow point recently. Ben’s super-alliance has left both the Heroes and the Hustlers comfortable since the Merge, and now 3 of the straggling Healers have gone home in a row. While I don’t think that big moves are the name of the game of Survivor, they definitely spice things up a bit when used here and there, and this season needs one sooner than later.

I’ll be going into more detail with my thoughts on the entire season overall after the final episode airs, but for now, here’s my thoughts on the current cast and where I think they’re going to go next.

          Let’s start with Ben, since he’s been at the forefront of attention for two episodes in a row now. I like Ben a lot as a person. The scene early on with him dealing with PTSD and reminiscing on his time in the Marines was a top-tier Survivor moment. But his skill as a player seriously concerns me. As we saw with last night’s episode he was laser-focused on getting Cole out of the game (a smart move considering Cole was a massive challenge threat), but to a point where several of his alliance-mates were calling his leadership dictator-like. When confronted by Ashley and Chrissy and asked to consider taking Joe down before Cole, Ben put his foot down and refused to budge for even a second.

          If Ben keeps this up, he’s a goner for sure. Big alliances always break on Survivor. They kinda have to, considering there can be only two to three people at the ending. Considering Ben is also good at challenges, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the ladies pull off a coup and take the leader down before it’s too late.

          On the other hand, we have Joe. Clearly taking inspiration from Tony of Survivor: Cagayan and one episode of Survivor: Game Changers fame, Joe’s entire strategy seems to cause mayhem and chaos wherever he goes. This hasn’t earned him much goodwill from his tribemates, but he’s still here, so that’s gotta count for something.

          The big issue with Joe is that even if he makes it to the end, I’m not sure if he has enough goodwill on the jury to give him enough votes to get the million. Ben, Chrissy and Ashley have all been very public about their dislike for Joe, so one has to wonder if he can come out on top when there are two other options for the jury to choose from.

          And then there’s Ryan. We haven’t seen too much of Ryan since the Merge, but there’s a definite concern that he’s played his entire deck way too soon. Ryan’s given us a lot of bluster about how good his social game is, which he demonstrated in the Pre-Merge with getting rid of Roark and Ali. But ever since the Merge happened, all he’s done is get himself an idol…and then tell Ben about it for some reason.

          Loose lips sink ships, and I think Ryan’s desperate need to be a valuable player might be his undoing. Devon’s already starting to show signs of losing trust in Ryan after Ben revealed that Ryan told him about the idol, so that might take him down in the end.

          Speaking of Devon, let’s talk about him. Right now he’s one of the main players that I can see winning in the end. He has plenty of friends on the tribe, including players from all 3 starting tribes. This gives him plenty of opportunities to play the way he wants, taking different alliances and partners to get himself in the best position to make it to the end. He also knows about Ryan’s idol, potentially the last one in the season, which is a huge advantage over everyone else. Whether he’ll capitalize on that or not remains to be seen, but regardless he’s in a great position right now.

          The last core member of Ryan’s alliance is Chrissy, and while she had a good opening few episodes, I can’t help but think she’s toast. She seems way too cocky to go much further, especially since the merge. She was blatantly trying to talk strategy to Ben while enjoying some Chocolate Thunder from Down Under™ courtesy of Outback Steakhouse™, loud enough for everyone to hear. She also blatantly talked about the idol clue right in front of Cole, who she didn’t know had also seen it. Again, loose lips sink ships.

          I do think she’s got a lot going for her, including plenty of smarts and access to the most realistic fake idol Survivor has ever seen, but if she doesn’t learn to keep quiet when her enemies are around, she might just accidentally blow her game to smithereens.

          Moving onto Lauren, she’s an interesting case. A surprisingly strong player in the pre-merge, she’s quickly won fans, including myself, over with her no-nonsense attitude and sharp wit. I can definitely see her pulling off some strategic moves later on down the line, and considering she hasn’t made too many enemies yet she’s another player I can conceivably see winning the game.

          There’s also the secret advantage in play, allowing her to use an extra vote whenever she needs it. If used correctly, she can change the dynamics of the tribe in a single Tribal Council, especially in the case of a tie.

          JP and Ashley are also players on this season.

          And last but not least, Dr. Mike. Dr. Mike is another player I really enjoy as a person, but I’ve seriously got to question his strategy, especially after last night’s episode. Whereas he could’ve used his idol to save Cole and keep the Healers strong at 3 while taking out Ben, instead he tried some insane strategy that involved trying to get everyone to vote for him instead at Tribal, then playing the idol for himself, and then still voting for Cole. What!? There’s so many things wrong with that strategy that it isn’t even funny.

          So those are all the players. Overall I think that they’re a decent group. Nowhere near as interesting and fun as the Millennials vs Gen X crew, but an entertaining bunch regardless. We have quite a few players with a high chance of winning as well as several no-hopers, so to close us off I’ve put together a tier list of my predictions of who’s gonna take home the gold.

WHO’S GONNA WIN?

High Chance: Devon, Lauren

Mid Chance: Ryan, Ben, Chrissy, Dr. Mike

Low Chance: Joe

No Chance: JP, Ashley

          I’ll be back to talk about the season as a whole after it ends in a few weeks, so I’ll see you then!

Editorial: Battlefront II: The whole story…as of November 20

Battlefront II: The whole story…as of November 20

          So a lot has happened since I talked about EA and their closure of Visceral Games a few weeks ago. In that editorial I briefly touched upon how Battlefront II was becoming yet another classic EA cash-in title, with microtransactions galore. But that turned out to be only the tip of the iceberg.

          If you missed what’s been happening over the last few weeks, allow me to tell you the tale of the time a fanbase actually made the greediest company in gaming take a step backwards.

          Some fans who pre-ordered Battlefront II on one of EA’s premium services were able to access the game early, and they were far from pleased at what they saw. The game was a wretched hive of scum and villainy, clearly run by gambling and pay-to-win methods. Sending some of your real world money to EA will earn you “crystals”, which can be spent on loot boxes for a chance at getting a weapon or ability card that you can use in battle.

          Unsurprisingly, those who didn’t mind shelling out extra money quickly found themselves at the top of the totem pole, with powerful weapons earned instantly via EA’s shady gambling machine. But it’s okay, you could still earn all that gear in-game!

          …after grinding for hours.

          It quickly became a running gag online about how, if you weren’t able to pay money to access it early, it took 40 hours of gameplay to earn enough crystals to unlock Darth Vader. The official Battlefront subreddit turned against EA in seconds, with so many cancelling their pre-orders outright that EA decided to take the low road and hide the “cancel pre-order” button on their website.

          In what is quite possibly the world’s worst attempt at damage control, an EA community manager went on the subreddit to try and resolve the conflict. “The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different heroes.” said the manager. The subreddit disagreed, and officially made the post the most downvoted comment in reddit history, sitting at 676k at this time of writing.

          I think EA forgets that there’s no pride or accomplished in playing 40 hours of a game just to unlock the thing you want. I feel proud when I defeat a difficult boss. I feel accomplished when I discover a secret. Playing a game for 40 hours just to unlock a secret character because you don’t want to pay any extra money past the $60 you paid up front is just boring and spotlights the game as a money laundering machine than an actual piece of interactive entertainment.

          Finally EA relented, reducing the price of heroes by 75%. But sharp-eyed players were quick to see through their lies, as it was quickly apparent that the rewards you received were reduced by 75% as well. Whereas you used to get 20,000 crystals for finishing the campaign, you now only received 5,000.

          War continued to rage on the subreddit, as EA and DICE announced their intention to hold an AmA (ask me anything) to try to salvage as much as they could. The event didn’t last very long, as the team members only answered easy questions they could dismiss with a hand-wave and a “move along!” Popular gaming pundit Jim Sterling received the most upvoted question, asking EA’s opinion on the ethics of microtransactions and the bizarre implication that they thought a Star Wars game needed to be pumped full of pay-to-win elements because of the fear it might not sell well. Unsurprisingly, his questions went ignored by EA.

          The story began getting picked up by major news publications, as Wall Street noticed that EA's stocks were plummeting at a meteoric space ever since the controversy emerged. Shareholders (the people EA really wants to please, not us gamers) were reportedly growing worried they’d invested poorly, and some folks over in Belgium are reportedly investigating the game for promoting gambling to children.

          Perhaps as a response to the Belgium investigation, EA officially announced on the eve of the game’s launch that all payment elements in the game would be removed…temporarily. While it’s nice to see that for once community pushback actually managed to topple one of the most notorious companies in the industry, that last word is the most important one. Temporarily. In my eyes they’ve just hidden these paid elements under their mattress until the Belgium investigation is over, bringing them back out of the woodwork before Christmas, when the game will reach its widest audience.

          Only it was quickly found that this decision wasn’t EA’s idea at all, but rather the true owners of the Star Wars license and future ruler of all mankind: Disney. CEO Bob Iger reportedly wasn’t happy with the name of one of his biggest franchises attached to a gambling controversy, leading to EA pulling the microtransactions from the game…again, only temporarily. And that’s where the story stops for now.

          So that’s Battlefront II. A game with No Man’s Sky levels of controversy in roughly a week before it even launched. But honestly, at the end of the day, I wouldn’t be surprised if this chaos ended up helping the game industry as a whole. This has obviously been a massive PR nightmare for EA, and I doubt that Activision, Warner Bros., and some of the other crappy developers would like to go through what EA is dealing with right now. Maybe Battlefront II will be the game where a developer goes just far enough to blow it big time, discouraging the other industry villains to follow suit.

          In any case, this fight is not over yet. While I can’t tell you how to spend your money, I’d recommend against buying Battlefront II and feeding into EA by saying “even with all the controversy I’ll still give you my cash!” I’m personally still debating if the game is even worth my time as a rental just so I can review it here if. This game, just like EA’s last installment in this series, only exists as a moneymaker releasing in the same timeframe as the hype for a new episodic Star Wars movie is peaking. Don’t give in to the Dark Side.

Song of the Week

Darth Vader’s Theme – Star Wars Battlefront II (2005)

Girls’ Last Tour Episode 7 Review

The baking episode

(This review contains spoilers!)

          It continually impresses me how this show continues to take the post-apocalypse genre and leave it in the dust week after week. Since we’re just past the halfway point with this anime most other shows would take this time to start setting up the ending, create conflict between the leads, and drive home the implications of the hopeless situation the characters are in.

          Instead, this week Chi and Yuu made bread.

          This episode is delightfully simplistic. It consists of one segment again, as Chi and Yuu follow the path Ishii mapped out for them last week to find more potatoes. They succeed, but discover a way to turn the potatoes into rations. That’s all we get, but it’s a complete joy.

          Just as with other great slice-of-life anime, there’s something captivating about just sitting back and enjoying the fun and happy simplicity unfolding in front of you. While I’m always a fan of unfolding mysteries and lore (and I’m still hoping we learn more about the city’s origins before the season ends), this episode might’ve been my favourite so far.

          It was also one of the funniest episodes we’ve seen yet. I loved the running gag early on with Chi’s solution to using rope so they wouldn’t fall off the pipe, only for her to admit it was basically useless shortly after. Even better was Yuu continuing to mess with Chi, and Chi fighting back in retaliation. The animators make great use of all the comedic possibilities they can with the squishy and stretchy animation on the characters’ faces, creating lots of cute and funny moments.

          There really isn’t much else to say. This show continues to be a highlight of the week for me with its cheerful atmosphere despite a bleak setting and delightful characters doing fun things.

FINAL SCORE

9/10

Amazing

The Orville Review: “Firestorm”

An excessive amount of tarantulas

(This review contains spoilers!)

          Why wasn’t this the Halloween episode? Seriously, you’d think they’d schedule an episode all about spooky stuff and fears in October.

          Anyways, this was another excellent episode of The Orville. After Alara allows a member of engineering to be killed on her watch (wearing a red shirt, no less), she starts to question if she’s stable enough to do her job. Simultaneously, weird things are popping up onboard, from scary clowns to random black holes.

          This episode is clearly taking inspiration from sci-fi horror properties such as Alien, but it’s done surprisingly well here. Most if not all of the phobias represented here are ones we face in our day to day lives, and that makes it feel all the more real. Granted, the further we go into the episode the crazier things get, but at that point I think we were already so hooked that it didn’t really matter.

          I also really liked how the episode kept you guessing what was going on throughout. Just like how last week’s episode had the mystery of blue Rob Lowe and why everyone was acting weird, this episode has the mystery of what the hell is going on and why all this crazy stuff is coming onboard the ship. Whether it had a fair answer or not is up for debate (and I’ll touch on it in a second), but it kept me guessing throughout.

          Even better was that, despite still having plenty of serious moments, this episode was another bit of comedy brilliance. I loved Ed’s list of the stuff to watch out for when they were hunting the clowns, as well as Bortus’s surprise appearance wearing an 18th century costume in the holodeck at the beginning. They balanced the scary and funny moments perfectly, leaving me on the edge of my seat while still laughing the entire time.

          As for the conclusion, it becomes fairly obvious that Alara is either dreaming or in the holodeck in the last third, and thankfully they go with the latter option. I could’ve done without the lengthy exposition at the end of the episode where it’s explained she went through a memory wipe and put herself inside Isaac’s simulation to test her bravery, but all in all I thought it was a good way to end the episode.

          With only two episodes left in the season (nooooo!), it looks like The Orville is finally comfortable with what show it wants to be. While this episode definitely leaned into the more serious side of things, it was still full of plenty fun and silly moments courtesy of the crew, and the horror-style main plot was done perfectly. Another great job by everyone involved.

FINAL SCORE

9/10

Amazing

Star Wars Wednesday: A beginner's guide to Star Wars

A beginner’s guide to Star Wars

          For many of us, Star Wars has been there for as long as we can remember. The characters have become as iconic as classic fairy tale heroes and heroines, and the scenes are as quotable of Shakespeare’s best.

          But I’m continually surprised by the amount of people I’ve met who’ve never even touched the movies. True, everyone has different tastes and I don’t have any ill will towards those who just plain aren’t interested in it, but every December when the newest movie comes out I see more and more people coming out of the woodwork and asking where to start.

          I’ll give them this: it can be intimidating. Being arguably the biggest multimedia franchise on the planet with a wide assortment of books, cartoons, video games, comics and more outside of the central movies, tackling Star Wars seems like a daunting task, especially with the misconception that the extra stuff is necessary to enjoy the core flicks. Plus with the new introduction of the Legends and Canon timelines, I don’t blame people if they walk away feeling confused about where to start.

          So I’m here today with a simple beginner’s guide to the Star Wars movies. If you wanna see The Last Jedi this December all caught up on the universe, this article will guide you to what you need to see to know what’s going on!

          First things first: only the movies matter. While the cornucopia of books, games, shows and more that create the Expanded Universes definitely enhance your Star Wars experience, they are not at all necessary to understand the main components of the franchise. On the contrary, most if not all of the extra material assumes you’ve seen the movies, leaving most of the building blocks of the universe unexplained, such as the importance of the Force, the Jedi, and so on. Maybe someday I’ll give a definitive guide to Star Wars outside of the movies, but today we’ll be focusing on the films themselves.

          What you need to know is that Star Wars movies at the moment are split into four separate categories:

·      The Original Trilogy (1977 – 1983), comprised of Episode IV: A New Hope, Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back and Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. This trilogy is the original and best of the saga, and it contains the building blocks of the entire franchise as well as introducing you to several important characters and concepts.

·       The Prequel Trilogy (1999 – 2005), comprised of Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Episode II: Attack of the Clones and Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. This trilogy is set roughly 20-30 years prior to the Original Trilogy, and gives the origin story to several important characters. For most fans this is their least favourite part of Star Wars, as the writing isn’t exactly on-par with the other movies.

·       The Sequel Trilogy (2015 – 2019), comprised of Episode VII: The Force Awakens, as well as two currently unreleased films: Episode VIII: The Last Jedi and an as of yet untitled Episode IX. These movies are set 30 years after the Original Trilogy, and details the fallout of the war in those movies as well as the legacies of the main characters.

·       The Anthology Series (2016 onwards), comprised of Rogue One, the currently unreleased Solo, and reportedly more in the works for later on down the line. These movies don’t follow the same linear plot as the episodic releases, and instead act as bonus movies that tell stories from other places in the galaxy, origin stories for other characters, and essentially anything else that might be interesting to see on the big screen.

So those are all the theatrical Star Wars movies. Where do we go from here?

It’s important to know that the Anthology Series is more of a “bonus content” series of films, meant to fill gaps between the major episodic releases. Rogue One is set just before the beginning of A New Hope, and tells the story of a mission by rebel spies who set the events of the first movie into motion. It’s a great flick that’s well worth seeing, but I’d recommend waiting until you’ve seen the Original Trilogy first so you can understand the central conflict between the Rebellion and the Empire as well as know more about the universe as a whole.

So now that we’ve got that out of the way, what order do we watch the episodic movies in?

There are two methods condoned by Lucasfilm (the production company behind the movies), as well as a popular fan-created watch order. There are more out there, but today I’ll be going over the three most famous, and you can pick your favourite.

#1: The Release Order (IV – V – VI – I – II – III –VII onwards)

          My personal favourite for first-timers, Release Order shows you all the movies in, unsurprisingly, the order they were released. Starting with A New Hope as released in 1977, this order continues on through the Original Trilogy, followed by the Prequel Trilogy, and ending off with The Force Awakens as the introduction to the Sequel Trilogy, leaving you ready for The Last Jedi in style!

          (Note: style is not guaranteed. In fact, if you watch these things all in one sitting, I can assure you you’ll be looking pretty unstylish by the end.)

          Release Order also works because none of the twists are revealed prematurely. The Original Trilogy is full of surprises for those with no prior knowledge of the series, and both the Prequel and Sequel trilogy assume that you’ve seen the original three movies, and as such use both the origin of several characters (in the Prequels) and the fallout of the first trilogy (in the Sequels) to tell their stories. If you don’t want any twists spoiled, this is the way to go.

          Some aren’t fans of this version because of some messy CGI alterations series creator George Lucas made to the movies later on, but most of these issues can be solved with a one-sentence explanation by a friend who’s already seen the movies. And seriously, regardless of what viewing order you choose, a friend or family member joining you for your viewing party is the best way to watch Star Wars.

#2: The Chronological Order (I – II – III – IV – V – VI – VII onwards)

          The other Lucasfilm condoned watch order, Chronological Order requires you watching the movies episodically, going from the beginning of the timeline to the current point by starting with the Prequel Trilogy, then moving onto the Original Trilogy and closing out with The Force Awakens.

          While this is my preferred way of watching the movies nowadays, I’ve seen them dozens of times. As far as I’m concerned, this watch order is an enormous no-no for first-time viewers on all fronts.

          I’ll admit, it does have some advantages. The more high-tech looking Phantom Menace is easier to pull kids in than the 1977 original, which, admittedly, tends to show its age at times. This version of the story also has a definitive beginning, middle and end point, instead of watching Return of the Jedi and then jumping 30 years into the past to the time of The Phantom Menace, followed by another jump into the future for The Force Awakens later down the line.

          But the Chronological Order has more faults than it does advantages. As I mentioned before, many of the Original Trilogy’s major surprises are thrown in the dumpster by the Prequel Trilogy, as it automatically assumes you’ve seen the Originals since it was released later on. There’s also the issue that the Prequel Trilogy is easily the weakest set of movies in all of Star Wars, with a lot of poor dialogue and confusing plot choices. If you want to stay invested, the worst movies of a franchise aren’t the ideal place to start.

#3: The Machete Order (IV – V – II – III – VI – VII onwards)

          So how do you keep a consistent narrative while at the same time salvaging some of the big surprises in store for first timers? That is the question Star Wars fan Rod Hilton asked himself while putting this order together. Inspired by another order (the “Ernst Rinster Order”, which I’ll talk more about in a second), this order starts you off with A New Hope, continues into Empire Strikes Back, then jumps into a two movie Prequel Trilogy flashback with Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, followed returning to the Original Trilogy to close it out with Return of the Jedi and finally starting up the Sequel Trilogy with The Force Awakens.

          This order cuts out The Phantom Menace entirely, with Hilton calling it “the series low point”, and stating that “you don’t learn anything in it that you can’t learn in Episode II”. I still think there are a few key points in Phantom that merit watching it, which can be solved by invoking the Ernst Rinster Order, which is identical to the Machete Order expect it includes the entire Prequel Trilogy in the flashback sequence after Empire Strikes Back. But still, he has a point where he says that this order ensures that you don’t start or end your marathon watching a bad movie.

          While not a bad way to start, I’ll admit it can get confusing at times. Jumping back and forth between Trilogies can be pretty jarring for first time watchers, especially when you need to learn a whole new cast just as you’re getting used to the heroes of the Originals. Again, I’d recommend this one only to those who’ve already seen the saga and want to avoid Phantom Menace on rewatches.

#4: The Wacky Order (???)

          Go to your favourite Random Number Generator website and ask it to pick a number between 1 and 7. Whatever number comes up dictates the episode you’ll watch.

          I don’t know why you’d want to do this, but you can if you feel this is the best way to watch movies I guess.

          At the end of the day I’d still say Release Order is the way to go, especially for those who don’t know about any of the twists in the Original Trilogy. The Original Trilogy also is the best way to be introduced to the world and mythology of the Star Wars universe, explaining key details overtime. More adventurous viewers who want minimal time with the low points of the saga can definitely consider the Machete Order as an option, and if you really want to start with the Chronological Order for whatever reason it won’t ruin the franchise entirely (but the Prequels aren’t the high point of Star Wars, I’ll warn you right now). Regardless of what order you go in, all that matters is you see Episodes I through VII in time for The Last Jedi in December.

          And if you actually are a first-time watcher reading this to try and figure out where to start, welcome to Star Wars. I hope you enjoy the movies, and may the force be with you.