Hardware Wars
These days Star Wars parodies are a dime a dozen.
Everyone and their brothers have attempted a spoof of the series at least once,
including Family Guy, Robot Chicken and even director Mel
Brooks. But few know of the world’s first ever Star Wars parody. Buckle up and get ready for Hardware Wars.
Released just seven
months after the launch of A New Hope
in 1977, Hardware Wars is a short
film just under 13 minutes in length that parodies all the major events of the
movie with basically no budget whatsoever. Starships are reimagined as irons
and toasters (hilariously with the toast still inside), and like 90% of the
props are made of stuff you can find at Home Depot, hence the title of the
movie.
The characters are all
fun derivatives from the classic movie characters. Our hero this time around is
Fluke Starbucker, a plucky young hero who enjoys driving around in his 70’s
dune buggy and gets very easily excited at things. Also along for the ride is
the mysterious Oggy “Ben” Doggy, the robot 4-Q-2 (who bears a striking
resemblance to the Tin Man from Wizard of
Oz), and the lovable Chewchilla the Wookie Monster, who definitely is an
original creation of the filmmakers and not a Cookie Monster puppet dyed brown.
Definitely.
They climb into their
trusty iron and journey on a mission to rescue Princess Ann-Droid from the
clutches of Darph Nader, a sinister villain who unfortunately can’t be
understood because his mask makes his voice all muffled. From there the crew
encounters steam cabinets, animated pictures of tractors, and the scariest
waffle iron in film history. It’s about as weird as you’d expect.
Despite the obvious lack
of budget, the film does have a pretty big guest star. Paul Frees, perhaps best
known as the Ghost Host in Disney’s Haunted Mansion attraction among many other
roles, narrates the parts of the short film that act as a trailer for the
“movie”, including the infamous tagline: “You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll kiss
three bucks goodbye!” Somewhat similarly, Scott Mathews, who played Fluke
Starbucker, vowed to never act in a movie again afterwards, stating he was
“going out on top!” He later went on to become an incredibly successful music
producer, selling more than 40 million units and downloads and earning himself
several gold and platinum music industry certifications.
Hardware Wars received over fifteen first-place awards at film
festivals and has grossed over a million dollars since its initial launch,
being widely considered as the most successful short film of all time today. In
1999 while promoting Phantom Menace George
Lucas went on record saying that Hardware
Wars was his favourite Star Wars parody
ever, and it appears on numerous Best Star
Wars Fan Film lists.
Perhaps the funniest
fallout from the short was the small reference director Rian Johnson snuck into
The Last Jedi. (very minor spoilers
beyond this point!) About midway through the film there’s a scene where it
looks like a starship is landing, emitting steam as it comes down onto the
surface. Then the camera zooms out and it is revealed to be just an iron
pressing clothes, just like the one that Starbucker and friends spend the short
film zooming around in. According to Johnson, series composer John Williams
especially enjoyed composing music for the iron.
If you’re interested in
seeing Hardware Wars for yourself, it
isn’t too difficult to track down. DVD and VHS copies of the short are still
available for purchase on Amazon as of this time of writing (though I’m not
sure that paying $75 for a VHS copy of a thirteen minute long short from forty
years ago is a smart investment). It’s also not too hard to find on YouTube,
but you didn’t hear that from me. Whatever the case, there are many places for
you to enjoy the short.
Hardware Wars is perhaps one of the weirdest things to come out of Star Wars fandom, but it’s also somehow
wound up as one of the most beloved. It’s hard to find a magazine or news
special about the franchise and its massive fanbase that doesn’t mention this
weird little short film starring a music producer, an iron and a brown Cookie Monster.
Definitely give it a watch if you want to see what fans were making back in the
first year of the movies.
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