The weirdest Star Wars action figures
Merchandising
has been a massive part of Star Wars since
Day 1. We all know the story of how George Lucas cleverly made his millions by
putting it in his contract that all toy profits go to him in an industry that
didn’t really put much stock in the sale of stuff like that. Since then Star Wars toys and action figures have
become a staple of playtimes everywhere.
And
with a franchise as massive as Star Wars,
nearly every character’s gotten an action figure or two. From Aayla Secura to
Zuckuss, the sheer “we have to make a toy for every single character”-ness has
led to several laughable ones that nobody outside of collectors would want
rotting away on store shelves for all eternity.
So
today, in honour of the death of Toys R Us (at least in America, ‘cause we
Canadians still got it!), we shall salute the worst, ugliest, and just plain
weirdest Star Wars action figures.
And
hey, how about we have a bit of extra fun? For every weird action figure I list
here, I’ll also list the current asking price for one of them on eBay. I’m sure
it’ll be…interesting to see how much people will ask for one of these.
Without
further ado…
The Rancor Keeper
Good
lord. I can tell we’re starting off with the cream of the crop.
You
remember the Rancor Keeper, right? He’s that guy who gets all sad after Luke
kills the rancor in Return of the Jedi.
It’s a moment both pretty goofy and also kinda sad.
Well,
now you and your kids can re-enact that scene with the official Rancor Keeper
action figure! Now with realistic chest hair!
eBay
Asking Price: $125.00
The Power of the Force collection
The
90’s were a…special time for geeky entertainment.
In
the middle of what is now referred to as the Star Wars Dark Age between Return
of the Jedi and The Phantom Menace,
Hasbro tried to revive the franchise’s toys. But for some unknown reason the characters' bodies here closer resemble those of He-Man and She-Ra than how they actually look in the movies.
I guess the "Power of the Force" is more akin to steroids in this universe.
And
hey, what’s up with Leia’s face? Did they get a chimpanzee to model for the
toy?
eBay
Asking Price: $12.74 (each)
Polis Massan Medic
This
is an especially strange one. I adore everything Star Wars and even I don’t know who this is supposed to be.
I guess it’s supposed to be from Revenge of the Sith, but I honestly find it hard to believe I
wouldn’t remember something that looks like that. But hey, they made an action
figure of it, so it must be in there somewhere.
I
especially love this one because of how freaky it looks. Forget being a medical
droid, this thing looks more like something you’d come across on a
spooky-themed planet. The fact that it’s armed with a weapon makes it all the
more unnerving.
eBay
Asking Price: $44.89
The Lucas Collector’s Set
For
the Star Wars fan that has
everything.
This
Revenge of the Sith themed box comes
with action figures based on George Lucas and his kids’ cameo appearances in Revenge of the Sith. Bearing such
memorable names as Baron Papanoida and Zett Jukassa, this one is clearly aimed
at core collectors and not the typical Star
Wars demographic. But even then, it’s a little strange. Were people really
asking for an officially licensed George Lucas action figure?
eBay
Asking Price: $51.82
Yarna D’Al Gargan
AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Seriously,
imagine going over to a friend’s house and he asks to play Star Wars action figures with him. He tells you to grab your
favourite character, and instinctively you go for Darth Vader. Meanwhile, he
grabs…whatever the hell this is.
Again,
this is another one that I’m not sure where you can find in the movies. If I
were to take a guess I’d say she (is it a she?) can be found somewhere in
Jabba’s Palace, but I don’t think I’ll be actively seeking her out during my
next watch of Jedi.
Seriously,
collectors, I know you guys love buying this stuff, but…were you really asking
for this?
eBay
Asking Price: $47.27
Gragra
This
one actually holds a bit of a special place in my heart. During my many
childhood trips to the local Toys R Us, a stop in their Star Wars section was always a must-do. And every time we’d go to
see if they got any new and cool new stuff me and my brothers didn’t have yet,
Gragra was always there, gathering dust and greeting us with a terrifying grin.
Seeing the lone Gragra action figure still stuck on the same rack month after
month became such a staple part of the Toys R Us experience that I almost
considered buying it a few times.
Almost.
Gragra
disappeared sometime around when the new Force
Awakens merchandise started to move in, and I’ll never know if someone
finally bought the poor thing or if an employee chucked it to make room. But
I’m probably the only person in the world to look back fondly on Gragra as a
small but funny part of my childhood.
eBay
Asking Price: $32.30
Bacta Tank Luke Skywaler
Uh…I’ll
take a hard pass on this one.
eBay
Asking Price: $59.87
The Star Wars Early Bird Certificate
And
here it is: the crown jewel of awful Star
Wars action figures. I mean, technically it isn’t even really an action
figure, but the insane story behind it is too good to pass up.
Back
in 1977 toy companies had no idea that Star
Wars was going to be the insane success it turned out to be, and as a
result making sure the toys were ready for Christmas wasn’t a huge priority. Of
course we all know what happened, and the toymakers were caught with their
pants down. The action figures weren’t ready, so they had to come up with a
solution.
Their
fix? The Star Wars Early Bird
Certificate. Kids all over the globe opened up empty cardboard boxes that
Christmas morning with pictures of what the figures were going to look like, a
voucher for Luke, Leia, Chewie and R2, and a promise that they were going to
release soon enough. Whoopdie-doo.
eBay
Asking Price: $375.75
Your
kids’ reaction to getting an empty box on Christmas morning: Priceless
For
everything else there’s MasterCard.
(author’s
note: I’m not sponsored by MasterCard)
No comments:
Post a Comment